Bellyaching (With A Side Optimism)

Sometimes life is just plain overwhelming. We all know this and have felt it at some point.  It can feel extremely overwhelming when you've reached a "certain age" and you feel as if you aren't where you're supposed to be. Financially, jobwise, healthwise, happiness, socially, etc.. I've been feeling as if something is missing lately and yet can't really pinpoint exactly what (other than money). I know that I've been wanting another job because of the physical toll of doing massage, and I've done a few tour guiding gigs, but I'm realizing that I'm not going to be able to support myself solely doing that. It will be a pleasant supplement, at best. And, ironically, for the past few weeks I've been getting stellar reviews/feedback at the spa. Now, don't get me wrong (and not to toot my own horn), I've always gotten positive feedback on my massages, but lately people have been absolutely gushing. It's definitely good for the ol' ego and it keeps me going. I just wish doing massage didn't hurt me so much by the end of the week. I guess what bothers me the most is that I don't know what I want to do with myself and feel that, at my age, my choices are limited. Sad when you know that you'll probably be working until you die, because of poor financial planning. It makes me feel restless and unsettled. And it makes me play the "What if...?" game. It also makes me ask myself the cliched, "Where did the time go?". I've been dwelling on this stuff and thinking about my mortality a lot. It makes my life seem chaotic....my brain won't focus, my thoughts are scattered, and I'm not moving forward. My uneasiness about life is prohibiting me from curing my uneasiness. It has to stop. By letting regrets about decisions in the past, worries about what will be, and constant ruminations on death into my daily thinking, I'm crippling my own progress. And my health. Mistakes and loss and hardships are a part of life. And while, yes, my weight loss is at a standstill (after creeping up a few pounds), my relationship has ups and downs, my job situation could be better, and there's always the nuisance of BILLS and the feeling of forever treading water and never getting ahead......you have to keep plugging away at it.

To that end......I started journaling my food again. Since my mom has been here I've been very lax with my eating habits. This is something that really started up back at the end of August and I haven't gotten ahold of it since. I'm not using my mom being here as my excuse. It's all on me to "police" myself. We've had a few great meals out (John Besh's Steakhouse, Santa Fe, Cafe Degas, Nonna Mia) but honestly, we've had more mediocre crap and take-out. I think my standout meal was lunch at Cafe Degas, the quirky little French restaurant with the tree through the middle of it. When you look up at the ceiling you feel as if you might be eating in someone's garage, but the food is lovely. I had perfect cheesy, sherry filled, french onion soup to start, and the hanger steak (cooked to order) with pomme frites and toasted garlic bordelaise as my entree. Divine. Even the broccoli served with it was delicious. Now, if all of the fat and calorie laden meals that I've eaten over the past 3 weeks were of that caliber, I wouldn't be as disappointed in myself. I could maybe even justify it to myself. But Domino's pizza just isn't worth the weight gain. So, I'm banning greezy take out from my food rotation and we will be cooking at home more often. In fact, I'm going to say that for the month of December all meals cooked at home will be from Cooking Light magazine. The magazine that I have a subscription to and have used only to look at the pictures and say, "Wow, they have some really good recipes in here." Time to get them going. I can't expect progress if I don't even make an effort. Thankfully, Thanksgiving and it's tribute to gluttony is behind us and the pumpkin cheesecake that I made is gone. (I seriously thought that I was going to have to be physically restrained from eating it. Yes, it was that good.) I'm ready to move on and not feel so sluggish again.

I know that the little steps toward improvement all add up. But sometimes it's easier said than done and you would rather just not get out of bed and dressed in the morning. That's ok once in a while, we wouldn't be human if we didn't feel that way. But humans are also resilient and can overcome any obstacle. Especially a little stress and frustration. I may not be where I'd like to be financially, jobwise, or healthwise, but I'm still here. And who knows? I still may find my niche. Maybe a few years down the road I'll open a bar (with live music, of course), a book store,  a tour guiding/trip planning business, or some such. There has to be something out there for me. For all of us. If not, there's always the lottery.

Embracing Change

I actually yelled at the scale this morning. And it felt pretty good. Until I was jolted into reality by a vision of the Ben & Jerry's I ate last night; followed by a kind of home movie montage in my mind of all of the crap I've been eating for the past 2 weeks. I then realized how misplaced my anger was. It is me that I should be yelling at. Only me. Since the end of August and the approach of hurricane Isaac I have been in a junk food free for all and I'm struggling to get out of it. That's the reality. It seems that during a hurricane you just eat junk. That's the rule. If you stay to ride it out you stock up on things that will "keep". These are usually canned foods, bread, peanut butter, crackers, cookies, chips....you get the idea. Very few things that require refrigeration, because the best you can hope for is to live out of a cooler for a few days but sometimes ice is hard to come by. If you evacuate and end up in a motel somewhere it's usually fast food, take out, or convenience store stuff, as there is no income coming in and you have to be conservative. As I stocked up at the picked over grocery store, my heart sank as I saw the kind of junk that was piling up in my cart. But another part of my brain was elated, thinking, "Yes, for the love of God, I have a few days where I don't have to feel guilty about not giving a fuck about WW points!!!!!" In any case, Isaac was the start of my downward spiral. Stacy has kept it going. I've made some effort to get back on track, but not enough. And it's hard. I've fallen off the wagon and now I need to detox again. It's never any fun to have to start at the beginning. But I will do what I have to do, knowing that I'm still ahead of the game despite a rough couple of weeks. I just have to face the fact that I've gained a few pounds, own it, get my head in the game, and change things up.

With that being said.....I've quit Weight Watchers. I know....I can hear some of you saying "Are you nuts? You just finished saying that you're struggling as it is!" And I can understand the confusion, but here's why:

I'm not really getting a lot out of the meetings (information-wise) and I haven't ever been following the program strictly; therefore, I can't justify laying out the cash for it every month. I know what I need to do and I need to do it on my own. I guess, for some reason, it would make me feel better to know I have the will to do this on my own. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but that is my decision. I'm at peace with it. It helps knowing that I have some supportive people in my life and I will be accountable to my group of girls on facebook. And if I find that I'm not succeeding, I can change my mind. Weight Watchers will still be there.

On the career front, not much has changed except that I can now say that I'm officially a Tour Guide. I picked up my permit last week. Now I just need to get a gig. I did have the good fortune to strike up a conversation at Royal Blend with a woman who is currently a guide. She was really cool and generous enough to provide me with some contacts and a reference. We'll see what pans out from that and I'll start to do some searching on my own. Last week I went into the spa and almost gave up my Wednesday nights, but then considered that it might be prudent to have something else lined up first.

Let's see, what else do I have to report about my activities in the past couple of months........

• My buddy Mike and I met an old friend, who was in town with her brother, for dinner and Perfect Margaritas at Santa Fe. I so miss going out to dinner regularly, but being broke and trying to lose weight kind of prevent me from doing so. I had what I always get, the Rueda de Huevo. It is pulled pork and sweet potato puree between 2 fried tortillas, topped with some kind of sauce, cheeses, and a fried egg. Sounds strange but is, in reality, damn delicious. Went to Pal's Lounge afterward to continue the revelry.
• Was very disappointed when I learned that there would be no Satchmo Club Strut to kick of the Satchmo Summer Fest this year. Always enjoyed this event on Frenchmen Street. Great for a night of club hopping and people watching. Hope they bring it back next year or come up with something to replace it. Enjoyed the Saturday of Satchmo Fest, Treme Brass Band turned out an incredible set in honor of Uncle Lionel.
• Mike & I checked out Dreamy Weenies, the new hot dog place on Rampart Street. Awesome! Yes, awesome! I had a huge, beef hot dog with kraut on a fantasticly fresh roll. Delicious. The waffle fries were good, as were the sweet potato fries, and the portions were large. They get extra points in my book for playing brass band music on the stereo. Hot dog, fries, drink - 10 bucks. Get over there! After lunch we wandered over to The Golden Lantern. I've only been there a couple of times but a good place to duck in for a cheap strong drink. A primarily gay establishment but always welcoming and, of course, entertaining. It happend to be a regular patron's 81st birthday party and he was decked out in a white suit with red accessories, including a red hat sporting a rhinestone pin declaring "It's My Birthday". They had a spread of food that we were encouraged to eat and a second line that we were encouraged to participate in. And that's a rainy summer Saturday afternoon in New Orleans.
• Stopped in at The Copper Monkey one afternoon. Hadn't been there in a long time and was craving their steak quesedilla. Figured that I'd fill the craving and have a couple of cocktails on the first day of my "stacation". There's not much to the Copper Monkey's steak quesedilla and that's how I like it. Just rib eye steak & melted cheese between tortillas. Sour cream, salsa, & jalapenos on the side. Strong drinks and music on the stereo in the Quarter. Perfect.
• In the aftermath of hurricane Issac, suffering from a bit of "cabin fever" and being without power, I made my way down to the Quarter to charge my phone and look for a cheeseburger. Yes, I wanted a hot, comforting cheeseburger. I settled on Yo Mama's because of the proximity to The Royal Blend even though I haven't always been crazy about their burgers. Happy to say that it turned out to be a good choice. I had a bacon cheddar burger with a loaded baked potato and enjoyed every bit of it, guilt free. I had heard recent rumors of upheaval and instability over there but I have to say that this was the best burger I've ever had there. It was so good I got one to go to take to my buddy Mike at work.

Sadly, those are the few social highlights of my last few months. But I'm optimistic about changing that and the other things that need it in my life. The New Orleans heat will soon be easing up, football is back, my mom will be here in October. Lots of good things happening now and on the horizon. I'm looking forward to finding a new job and a new path, in general. I love change. It's exciting. It's positive. It's growth. And it's good for us. Change something small in your life today. You just might like it.

Still Beautiful (Life)

I've let quite a bit of time pass since my last post. And it's not because I've been so busy leading a fun and fabulous life. In fact, I haven't written because there ain't been much of anything happenin'. Nothing worth writing about, anyway. I'm still plugging away at WW, and I go to work, doing a job that I almost hate, but sometimes enjoy. I've just been going through daily life and thinking that there has to be a better way. There has to be something else out there for me. Especially career-wise. Although I feel very fortunate to have a source of income when so many other people are struggling, the reason that I almost hate my job is that after 8 years of doing massage, it hurts. I'm developing tendonitis in my elbow. I sometimes have pain in my wrist and thumb.....my neck and shoulder....oh, and my low back. After a busy shift, when I arrive home and sit down, I am often unable to get back up without a struggle. It's unpleasant, it makes me not want to work, and I don't know how much longer I can do it as a full time job. On the flip side, there are those lovely moments when you have the right connection with your client and they love your work, making you feel very appreciated. Those times are what keep me going in the profession, but ideally I'd like to do it part time. So, I'm looking to start my next career phase. Whatever it may be. The only thing I'm sure of is that it will somehow involve promoting the City of New Orleans, because this city is my heart and my passion. I've accepted the fact that I will pretty much have to work until I die, so it might as well be doing something fun that I love. I don't know what that something is yet, but I am confident that it will be. To that end, I signed up for a tour guiding class at the community college. Not sure what I will do with the license yet, but it's a start. I AM sure that I love giving people suggestions on where to visit, music to hear, and food to eat in the city. I love planning itineraries. I love taking pictures. I love writing. I want to have a part in showing New Orleans to people and making them love my city as I do. Too many times I've seen or heard of people coming here, walking up and down Bourbon St. and leaving thinking that they've seen New Orleans. This is just sad and inaccurate. I want to remedy this. So, I'll research my options and see what I can make happen. We should all be able to enjoy what we spend a large portion of our life doing.

I mentioned WW.......all is well on this front. Still slow going and I definitely haven't been perfect but I'm down around 23 lbs. and that's better than where I started. I'm sure that if I added some exercise the weight would come off much faster, but the chances of that happening in the NOLA heat and humidity are slim. And I'm not joining a gym because I won't go and, to quote my cousin Wayne, "The only number that will go down is the one in my checkbook." But I will stick with the WW because it's making me start to feel good about myself again. This is the longest I've EVER stuck with WW or any type of diet modification and that gives me hope and confidence. The reality is that I'm not on a "diet" that I can go off of when I reach a weight that I'm comfortable with. This is for life. And that can be a bit overwhelming when you think about it. But the longer I stay with it, the more comfortable I am doing it. I also have a great support system in my "WW buddy", Karen; the gals in the support group I started on facebook; my mom and my aunt Renee who always cheer me on in my triumphs; and my boyfriend, who doesn't see me as fat (a bit of denial there) and has made an effort to learn healthier ways of cooking. Outside support is so very important and I'm grateful for all that I have.

Moving on.....I haven't been doing much socializing or participating in the ongoing revelry of N.O. Truthfully, since April I think I've had one cocktail (at Tujague's after a French Quarter tour for class). Cocktails usually put the kibosh on my weight loss efforts (high calories/low inhibitions). There were a couple of times that I really had to restrain myself from partaking but, overall, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. There's also the money factor. Just don't have extra for fun right now. But I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and an improved financial situation is ahead. Also ahead is the Satchmo Summer Fest, and I won't miss that. Always a nice time. And I've even been able to, through the generosity of my mom and my daddy up in heaven, book a room at the Lamothe House downtown for a little "staycation". (Spending money is another thing, but we'll do it on the cheap and figure something out.) It is amazing to me how having a few days in a hotel with a pool to look forward to can boost your spirits and motivate you through your day. I'm grateful for this also.

On a sad note, I have to report here that "Uncle" Lionel Batiste has passed on at the age of 81. Long time bass drummer for the Treme Brass Band, dapper gentleman, and all around New Orleans LEGEND. This man lived his life to the fullest with unmatched exuberance and is an example of doing what you love for a living. For Uncle Lionel, age was definitely just a number. He made his rounds every night. Singing, dancing, and charming many ladies of all ages while doing so. He is a role model and we should all take a page from his book and live every day like it's our last. Because even though I may be fat, not love my job, and money might be tight so I have to eat a few peanut butter & jelly sammiches for dinner......life is still beautiful and there's always a silver lining.

Keeping My (Double) Chin Up

It's been said that the formula for weight loss is "Eat less, move more.". I've also heard "Just eat less.". Concise. Simple. And yet, it's never really that simple, is it? I have to think that the people dispensing these little nuggets of wisdom have never faced a weight problem. I'm in my 11th week of Weight Watchers and have lost 13.4 lbs so far, but the bulk of it was lost in the first 6 weeks. And I was feeling incredibly confident during those weeks, maybe even cocky. I was amazed at how easily the weight was falling off! The past 4 weeks? Not so much. My losses have pretty much come to a stand still. I keep telling myself to be happy because I've still lost over 13 lbs and haven't been slowly gaining the weight back. There's something to be said for that! But, truthfully, my parade has been rained on. My sails deprived of wind. And the worst part about it is that I'm the only one to blame. I can't blame it on the fact that April is a busy month here in New Orleans with French Quarter Fest and Jazz Fest. Or the fact that my mom has been in town for over a month. Or that I've had some vacation time. Because, ultimately, it's up to me to make the right choices. This is not to say that I haven't had some great times and awesome meals in the past month, because I did, and that's what life is all about. Even so, I can't help thinking that discipline and restraint would have felt even more awesome. But, c'est la vie....onward and upward....and all that other shit. Even though it's been a slow process I've still lost more that 13 lbs! I'll take it and be happy. What's the hurry, right? I've been fat for so long now that it almost feels normal to me. But not quite. Because there's always that feeling of being a second class citizen when you're fat. You know what certain people are thinking when they look at you. And then there are the people who look through you as if you aren't even there. It has always astounded me that the bigger you get, the more invisible you become. There's also the people who feel free to voice their hateful comments about your size to get a laugh from their friends. And if you're fat, you know that the first thing you do when you're in a crowded room is scan the room to find out if you're the fattest. And you're relieved when you're not. All of these things have happened to me. And they will never feel normal. I want to feel better about myself and better in general. But also because it bothers me that certain people in society presume that they are better than me because I have some weight on me. I know for damn sure that they are not, (The first reason being that I would never try to make someone feel unworthy for something as superficial as weight.) and it bothers me that I let them bother me. But let's be truthful.....we all want to look good and boost our self-esteem. And, hey, if I can extend my life as a result. it's a win-win. So, I will keep plugging away at the slooooooow process of WW because I know it's what I have to do. With all of that being said, New Orleans is known as not being the best place for getting healthy. We're a culture that thrives on good food, booze, music, and socializing. All of that can definitely put the kibosh on your efforts. But that's where the discipline comes in. You have to thwart all of that adult peer pressure and do your own thang. Plus NOLA can be helpful in many ways.....there are plenty of opportunities to dance, second lines to follow, an abundance of outdoor festivals where you can get out and shake it. There are healthy food options if you seek them out, farmers markets, and the horrendous parking situations in parts of the city encourage you to walk or use public transportation (drunkenness encourages that also). I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I live in a city known for its debauchery and decadence, I know that I can lose weight and get healthy here. It's just going to take effort and that falls on me. So look out bitches, I'm keeping my (double) chin up, staying positive, and I'm gettin' healthy!

******Some highlights of my last month of activities.*******

~Filet mignon @ Manning's with the thin cripsy onion rings that I love.
~Easter Sunday afternoon @ Napoleon's Itch (gay bar)
~Always dinner @ Adolfo's
~The Brass-a-holics set at French Quarter Fest!!!!!
~The chocolate mousse in a "basket" dessert at Crescent City Brewhouse
~Sunday dinner with Mike, Dave, & my mom
~3great days at Jazz Fest - James Andrews killed his set!
~Finally seeing The Stooges Brass Band
~Meeting David Simon (creator of The Wire and Treme).
~The New Orleans Musicians For Obama event.
~Chicken Clemenceau & Leroy Jones @ The Palm Court (with my favorite waiter, Stanley)
~FABULOUS meal at EAT
~Trombone Shorty @ The Mahalia Jackson Theater

Sometimes You Just Need To Call A "Do Over"

I haven't had a french fry since February.

I gave up fried foods for the Lenten season, even though I'm not anywhere near to being Catholic, in order to jump start my weight loss efforts. And I've stuck with it. No cheating. Even though I smell fried chicken or onion rings on every breeze that blows through my neighborhood. I can't say I really miss it either, and honestly, the thought of eating fried chicken and french fries makes my stomach hurt. It makes me envision all of that grease clogging my arteries. I'm in my 6th week of Weight Watchers and down nearly 12 pounds. Don't want to toot my own horn but I'm feeling successful. And I want more. I don't feel as sluggish as I used to, I have some spring in my step, and I'm feelin' good. (Well, except for last night when, in celebration of my birthday, my buddy Mike cooked for me and I ate so much glorious food and drank so much white wine that I was in physical pain for the remainder of the night. I wasn't feelin' good then.) I'm also sleeping better and waking up earlier in the morning. Feeling and seeing the results of my efforts makes me want to keep doing what I'm doing. And to even improve on what I'm doing, because the extra spring in my step still hasn't made me want to exercise. I'm lazy and I hate it, but I'm going to have to do it. And soon. I can already see the weight loss slowing down and I don't want to lose my momentum. I'm hoping I didn't do too much damage over the past two days and sabotage this week's weigh in, but I'm not going to let it get me down too much because life happens, and there are going to be celebrations in which you are meant to indulge.

On the subject of indulging, as far as birthday celebrations go, mine was pretty sedate. On Saturday morning I went to breakfast with a friend at Ruby Slipper Cafe. First visit. It's a cute place and was pretty crowded on a Saturday morning. I ordered Eggs Cochon (a large homemade biscuit topped with pulled pork, poached eggs, hollandaise, and fresh chives.) and a double mimosa. Definitely not WW friendly. I was pretty happy with everything except that I would have liked more hollandaise (A dollop sitting on top of each egg just wasn't enough of this decadent sauce!) and I thought 10 bucks for a mimosa served in a wine glass was a bit steep. I would go back though. After breakfast it was off to Walmart to pick up some area rugs to appease the downstairs neighbor (WooHoo, rugs! Happy Birthday to me!) and then to go get some flowers for the empty pots on my balcony. That was it for my actual birthday. No day long bender. No all night partying on Frenchmen Street. I didn't feel like it. On Sunday I woke up early, re-potted my plants, and then Mike came over and we hung out for the afternoon. It may not have been exciting but it was a pleasant way to spend the weekend. I guess I'm saving my energy because my mom and Aunt Renee arrive this Sunday and next week is French Quarter Fest! Now this is the week that I'm worried about when it comes to WW because I know I will be eating out a lot. But we'll be walking and on the go also, so I'm hoping it will all balance out. I've already been perusing the FQF music schedule and club listings and wondering how to be everywhere at once. It will be a great week of family, friends, music, eating, drinking, and festivities in the sun. And above all else, the good times are what matter the most. I want to lose this weight, (and I have a ways to go before I'm where I want to be) but not at the expense of fun times and making memories. I have the rest of my life to do WW, so I'm not going to require perfection of myself. Just effort. Being fat is not fun, but neither is deprivation. So I will enjoy my loved ones while making sure I get some exercise in. And I will not beat myself up over my caloric intake. Because life is meant to be fun and tomorrow always offers a "do over".

Clinging To Optimism

"It's not opportunity knocking, it's a prankster with a flaming bag of dog shit. Every time." ~ Mike McDermott


 When I read those words on facebook the other day they gave me a chuckle, but there was also a sense of truth to them. I welcomed the month of March with a positive attitude and high expectations and, so far, it has just taken a crap on my sunny disposition. My boyfriend's mother passed away after a bout with cancer, and yesterday came the news that someone I went to high school with passed from a heart attack. (The downside of facebook - bad news travels quickly. Sometimes it's nice to be blissfully ignorant.) And, apartment living is really starting to wear on my nerves. Our downstairs neighbor is apparently extremely noise sensitive and our daily need to do such things as......WALKING.....seems to be disruptive to her. *sigh* Christ, I wish I had the money to buy a house. But, some of my life decisions haven't been the smartest, financially, so this is my lot in life. Apartment living and working until I die. Good stuff! Guess I'll be getting Power Ball tickets today.

My mom left over a week ago and it feels strange, the five weeks just flew by! On Mardi Gras day we went to the Zulu Parade with a friend, the first time for all of us. It was interesting because we didn't catch it on the St. Charles Ave. part of the route, we claimed a spot (closer to my street) on Orleans Ave. in the 'hood. One good natured guy commented on how the three of us made it a "diverse" crowd. It was a beautiful day, a fun time, and I got two of the coveted Zulu coconuts. Not bad for my first time. Going to Zulu has been on my "to do" list since moving here and now I can say I've done it. I'm still not sure I understand the attraction to parades, but hey, that's just me. The last few days of her stay were pretty sedate. Spent some time in the Quarter and one day had lunch at Royal Street Deli, a tiny place with an eclectic, funky, colorful atmosphere and fantastic food. The tomato soup was stellar! And my Black & Bleu Steak Salad (baby spinach, steak, bleu cheese crumbles, grapes, red onion, roasted red peppers, with basil balsamic dressing) was so flippin' good. The presentation of my mom's Blackened Ahi Tuna Salad (blackened tuna, spring mix, bean salsa, roasted red pepper, pepper jack cheese, avocado, cilantro lime dressing, & corn tortillas) was amazing and she said it tasted as good as it looked. Totally unexpected meals from a place with "deli" in its name. We will definitely go back. On the Saturday morning that she left, I was sad to see her go. Some people said to me, "Holy shit, your mom is staying with you for FIVE weeks?", but I didn't feel that way at all. Even afterward. Of course, as I said before, it wasn't all smooth sailing. But the good outweighed any small disagreements and I'm counting the days until she comes back. Because, as I'm learning every day, we only have a short time in this life and you should make the time for those who matter most.


Speaking of short life spans.....two days after Mardi Gras I joined Weight Watchers in an effort to prolong mine. It went well, pretty much the same as the previous times I've experienced it. The beginning is always fun because it's new and like a game. I followed it to the letter and looked forward to my first weigh-in because the first one is always around a 4-5 lb loss. A weight-loss bonanza! Then, the day before......I felt the whisperings of PMS. I wanted to scream. My @#$%!##$-ing menstrual cycle was going to steal my "week one" thunder! And it did. I was down 2.6 lbs. But, I'll take it. Rah. Rah. Only 72.4 more to go. WooHoo.

It's incredibly tempting to become a constant cynic, because the aforementioned bags of shit will keep coming. But I'm going to remain upbeat about WW, our living situation, and life, in general, because, honestly, it's all I can do. Everything usually sorts itself out. And being around and cultivating negativity is exhausting. So.....I'm clinging to optimism. For dear life. Especially when it seems most futile.

Desperate Measures

I attended a social event a few weeks ago and saw my former self there in the crowd. Her hair was a pixie cut colored white/blonde. She was pretty thin, wearing a black button down shirt dress that fell above the knee, interesting jewelry, and a sassy pair of turquoise cowboy boots. Aside from me never owning a pair of cowboy boots, she was me about 12 years ago. And I haven't been able to remove her image from my mind in the weeks since seeing her. What happened? Where did that "me" disappear to? How did I let it go so far? These are the questions I've been asking myself lately. Because, even though my mind tells me that I haven't changed, I cannot deny the closet full of clothing that no longer fits. Or the occasional shortness of breath. Or that I have developed sleep apnea (and need one of those machines but have neither the health insurance nor the money to get one). Or my sugar addiction. Or the number on the scale. Yes, the dreaded, hateful son of a bitch scale. I finally bought one because no home is complete without that monument to restraint and misery. The resulting number was not good. At all. In fact, it was the worst EVER. I've NEVER envisioned myself at this weight. I know I've been saying for the longest time that I need to get a hold on things and live healthier, but somehow things just kept getting worse and I've now reached the wall. And all joking aside.....I need help. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so, Weight Watchers it is. I will be there bright and early at 8am on Thursday morning for my inaugural weigh in. Let me say here that I'm not new to WW. I've done it a few times when I lived in NJ and tried it in New Orleans also. In New Orleans I'm a bit limited because I don't own a car and rely on friends or public transportation, but I was able to find a location that worked for me. I just couldn't stand the leader. I'll just say that the way that she conducted her meetings was as if we were in a kindergarten class. I just wanted to scream at her, "Lady, we're fat, not stupid!!" Anyhoooo, she wasn't for me. So I tried it online. Also not for me. If I held myself accountable as I should, I wouldn't be in the predicament I am now in. The location I will be attending is a bit out of the way for me but, fortunately, a friend with a car is going to join also and there is a different leader. (Yes, the other leader is still around and, of course, is in the location that would be perfect for me. Truthfully, I am at the point where I would have gone back to her if I absolutely had no choice.) Either way, I'm excited to start and am determined to make it work this time. I take full responsibility for my previous failures with WW. (Skipping the meetings and going for wings and french fries with bleu cheese dressing after weigh in was definitely not part of the program.) I know that it works if you commit to it, and I now have no choice but to do so. A heart attack at 42 is where I'm headed if I don't change things up. And I know I will feel so much better for it.

My mom has been here for a lengthy visit and overall, it's gone pretty smoothly. A few rough spots here and there but that's to be expected when adapting to a different living situation and it will be weird when she leaves this weekend. We've had some great meals out: Crescent City Steakhouse, El Gato Negro, Cafe Degas, The Palm Court, Santa Fe, Buffa's, Port of Call, The Coffe Pot, Jaeger Haus, Liuzza's By The Track, etc.; heard a little music: Leroy Jones, John Boutte', The Brass-a-holics; had some drinks: Napoleon's Itch, dba, Apple Barrell; and just spent time together. All good. I'd like for us to get out to hear more music, so we'll work on that for next time. (Honestly, since I weighed myself I just want to hide in the house, but I refuse to give in to that mentality.) But we still have the remainder of this visit and Tuesday is Mardi Gras so we will be out and about for the next 2 days seeing the sights, hearing the sounds, and getting a lot of walking in. Mardi Gras is definitely not my favorite but I do like the atmosphere and costumes of Mardi Gras day. I wish I could say that I will be doing these things without being/feeling fat and worrying about what I will wear and how it fits, constantly tugging at my clothing, and being disappointed with how I look. But it just isn't so. It's always there in the back of my mind, and will be until I do something about it.

So begins my short countdown to starting WW. My countdown to being healthier. My countdown to fitting into the clothing in my closet. And my countdown to getting reacquainted with my former self. I'm looking forward to it all.

Moving Forward

I've been meaning to post for a couple of weeks but just didn't have it in me. I've had some trouble organizing my jumbled thoughts so I don't know exactly what's going to come out here.

My dad passed away on the early afternoon of December 24th. Even though it was expected (in June he was told that he had approximately 6 months to live) the reality and finality of it was/is stunning. And with me living out of state it is taking longer to set in because I don't have a daily reminder of it like my mom does. I never spoke to my dad every day and at times now it seems as if he's still up there and we just haven't talked. Last week I reached for the phone when his beloved Giants were playing the Cowboys for a playoff spot. Football was always one of the things we could talk about. In fact, I knew things were grave when, during my visit, he didn't know who the Giants were playing that Sunday. I'm glad that I visited when I did. Although he was in pain and not very talkative; he was alert, knew I was there, and was able to pull me to him for a surprisingly strong hug. A few days after I left hospice care was initiated. I'm not really sure what I feel about what happens to us after we die, but I do know that he's no longer suffering in this world.

Now I'm going to say a few things about my mom. She handled the last 6 months of 2011 with a grace and resiliance that I find admirable. She was by my dad's side every inch of the way through this ordeal and refused to give up. She believed in his ability to fight this cancer as he did all of his previous ailments and supported him through it all. My parents were married for 42 years. Not all of it was smooth sailing, but my mom stuck it out and saw it through. Not something you see often nowadays when people stay married for 5 minutes, myself included. All credit is due to my mom for keeping it together. Even if I can't say that I would have done the same, there's definitely something to be said for not throwing in the towel and calling it quits.

The events of the past month or so have, of course, made me more aware of my own mortailty and made me assess where I am in life. As it happens, it's the time of year when everyone takes stock of their lives and vows to do better. Happy New Year. While I love this time of year with its optimism and feeling of endless opportunities, I won't be making any resolutions in the traditional sense. There are, however, several areas in my life where there is room for improvement, change, and growth, that I'd like to work on.I would like 2012 to be the year that I........

~Practice compassion regularly.
~Meet more people/make new friends.
~Try my hand at a new profession.
~Experience more live music.
~Put some pep in my step.
~Spend less time on facebook.
~Make an effort to be healthier.
~Spend more time with my mom.
~Stop complaining.
~Try new things.
~Fit into my old clothing.
~Work harder on my relationship.
~Practice patience.
~Make my debt disappear.
~Go to every day of Jazz Fest.
~Experience more joy.
~Am happy and at peace.

There, that should do it for now. And, as always, I'd like to express how fortuante I feel to be able to conduct my life and my self-improvement efforts in New Orleans. There is no other place that I'd rather fall below my own expectations. Right now the city is poised for a stellar 2012, you can just feel it in the air. There was a similar feeling in 2010 after the Saints won their first Super Bowl. We were back, had built up through the years of misery after hurricane Katrina and it felt like there were no limits. We were on a roll! But then there was a little incident involving a company called BP that rained on our parade and knocked us back down. But we've worked, yet again, to pick it up and put the city on top. The Saints are doing well again, we host the Super Bowl next year, and hopefully the time in between will be filled with tourism and prosperity. Yes, we have the problems that plague most inner cities, but I can guarantee you that there is nowhere like New Orleans in the US. The music, the food, the people, the architecture, the atmosphere, the colors, the smells, the history, the decaying beauty..........ALL one of a kind. If you haven't been here, you should come. Just once. New Orleans is a gem. And who knows? You might end up loving it like I do. I know I wouldn't want to move forward anywhere else.