Monday, February 20, 2012

Desperate Measures

I attended a social event a few weeks ago and saw my former self there in the crowd. Her hair was a pixie cut colored white/blonde. She was pretty thin, wearing a black button down shirt dress that fell above the knee, interesting jewelry, and a sassy pair of turquoise cowboy boots. Aside from me never owning a pair of cowboy boots, she was me about 12 years ago. And I haven't been able to remove her image from my mind in the weeks since seeing her. What happened? Where did that "me" disappear to? How did I let it go so far? These are the questions I've been asking myself lately. Because, even though my mind tells me that I haven't changed, I cannot deny the closet full of clothing that no longer fits. Or the occasional shortness of breath. Or that I have developed sleep apnea (and need one of those machines but have neither the health insurance nor the money to get one). Or my sugar addiction. Or the number on the scale. Yes, the dreaded, hateful son of a bitch scale. I finally bought one because no home is complete without that monument to restraint and misery. The resulting number was not good. At all. In fact, it was the worst EVER. I've NEVER envisioned myself at this weight. I know I've been saying for the longest time that I need to get a hold on things and live healthier, but somehow things just kept getting worse and I've now reached the wall. And all joking aside.....I need help. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so, Weight Watchers it is. I will be there bright and early at 8am on Thursday morning for my inaugural weigh in. Let me say here that I'm not new to WW. I've done it a few times when I lived in NJ and tried it in New Orleans also. In New Orleans I'm a bit limited because I don't own a car and rely on friends or public transportation, but I was able to find a location that worked for me. I just couldn't stand the leader. I'll just say that the way that she conducted her meetings was as if we were in a kindergarten class. I just wanted to scream at her, "Lady, we're fat, not stupid!!" Anyhoooo, she wasn't for me. So I tried it online. Also not for me. If I held myself accountable as I should, I wouldn't be in the predicament I am now in. The location I will be attending is a bit out of the way for me but, fortunately, a friend with a car is going to join also and there is a different leader. (Yes, the other leader is still around and, of course, is in the location that would be perfect for me. Truthfully, I am at the point where I would have gone back to her if I absolutely had no choice.) Either way, I'm excited to start and am determined to make it work this time. I take full responsibility for my previous failures with WW. (Skipping the meetings and going for wings and french fries with bleu cheese dressing after weigh in was definitely not part of the program.) I know that it works if you commit to it, and I now have no choice but to do so. A heart attack at 42 is where I'm headed if I don't change things up. And I know I will feel so much better for it.

My mom has been here for a lengthy visit and overall, it's gone pretty smoothly. A few rough spots here and there but that's to be expected when adapting to a different living situation and it will be weird when she leaves this weekend. We've had some great meals out: Crescent City Steakhouse, El Gato Negro, Cafe Degas, The Palm Court, Santa Fe, Buffa's, Port of Call, The Coffe Pot, Jaeger Haus, Liuzza's By The Track, etc.; heard a little music: Leroy Jones, John Boutte', The Brass-a-holics; had some drinks: Napoleon's Itch, dba, Apple Barrell; and just spent time together. All good. I'd like for us to get out to hear more music, so we'll work on that for next time. (Honestly, since I weighed myself I just want to hide in the house, but I refuse to give in to that mentality.) But we still have the remainder of this visit and Tuesday is Mardi Gras so we will be out and about for the next 2 days seeing the sights, hearing the sounds, and getting a lot of walking in. Mardi Gras is definitely not my favorite but I do like the atmosphere and costumes of Mardi Gras day. I wish I could say that I will be doing these things without being/feeling fat and worrying about what I will wear and how it fits, constantly tugging at my clothing, and being disappointed with how I look. But it just isn't so. It's always there in the back of my mind, and will be until I do something about it.

So begins my short countdown to starting WW. My countdown to being healthier. My countdown to fitting into the clothing in my closet. And my countdown to getting reacquainted with my former self. I'm looking forward to it all.


  1. Stacy - so many of us are in the same predicament. I, too, am at a place I never thought I would be. I get so mad at myself for letting myself go - I took responsibility in Sept. and lost 28 pounds (I still have 40 to go). I gained back 10 since January but need to get on track again. So this morning it was - dropped my car off at the repair shop and actually walked back home. It felt so good! Accountability is my problem as well. If I avoid everyone I know, even my family, then it isnt happening! But, the number on the scale and the reflection in the windows and the closet of clothes that dont fit tell another story. I am here for support if you need it! - Terri

    1. Thanks, Terri! It's funny that you mention "the reflection in windows" because that is always a BIG wake up call to me also! (No pun intended.) I'm now at a point where I need to lose 75 to consider myself in a healthy range and the amount of denial involved in getting to this point continues to amaze me! But, it's time to snap out of it and join the real world. It's going to be rough but I have to do it as I have nothing left to wear!!!

  2. I too,Stacy could stand to lose about 70 lbs. I'm where you are also. Nothing fits and I refuse to buy bigger clothes.It's the exercise that stands in my way. My knees hurt when I do exercise and they hurt because of the weight sooooo it's one big circle of disgust!!! And being able to breath normal would be nice too!! LOL I wish you much luck. Keep us posted~~Nancy