Sometimes life is just plain overwhelming. We all know this and have felt it at some point. It can feel extremely overwhelming when you've reached a "certain age" and you feel as if you aren't where you're supposed to be. Financially, jobwise, healthwise, happiness, socially, etc.. I've been feeling as if something is missing lately and yet can't really pinpoint exactly what (other than money). I know that I've been wanting another job because of the physical toll of doing massage, and I've done a few tour guiding gigs, but I'm realizing that I'm not going to be able to support myself solely doing that. It will be a pleasant supplement, at best. And, ironically, for the past few weeks I've been getting stellar reviews/feedback at the spa. Now, don't get me wrong (and not to toot my own horn), I've always gotten positive feedback on my massages, but lately people have been absolutely gushing. It's definitely good for the ol' ego and it keeps me going. I just wish doing massage didn't hurt me so much by the end of the week. I guess what bothers me the most is that I don't know what I want to do with myself and feel that, at my age, my choices are limited. Sad when you know that you'll probably be working until you die, because of poor financial planning. It makes me feel restless and unsettled. And it makes me play the "What if...?" game. It also makes me ask myself the cliched, "Where did the time go?". I've been dwelling on this stuff and thinking about my mortality a lot. It makes my life seem chaotic....my brain won't focus, my thoughts are scattered, and I'm not moving forward. My uneasiness about life is prohibiting me from curing my uneasiness. It has to stop. By letting regrets about decisions in the past, worries about what will be, and constant ruminations on death into my daily thinking, I'm crippling my own progress. And my health. Mistakes and loss and hardships are a part of life. And while, yes, my weight loss is at a standstill (after creeping up a few pounds), my relationship has ups and downs, my job situation could be better, and there's always the nuisance of BILLS and the feeling of forever treading water and never getting ahead......you have to keep plugging away at it.
To that end......I started journaling my food again. Since my mom has been here I've been very lax with my eating habits. This is something that really started up back at the end of August and I haven't gotten ahold of it since. I'm not using my mom being here as my excuse. It's all on me to "police" myself. We've had a few great meals out (John Besh's Steakhouse, Santa Fe, Cafe Degas, Nonna Mia) but honestly, we've had more mediocre crap and take-out. I think my standout meal was lunch at Cafe Degas, the quirky little French restaurant with the tree through the middle of it. When you look up at the ceiling you feel as if you might be eating in someone's garage, but the food is lovely. I had perfect cheesy, sherry filled, french onion soup to start, and the hanger steak (cooked to order) with pomme frites and toasted garlic bordelaise as my entree. Divine. Even the broccoli served with it was delicious. Now, if all of the fat and calorie laden meals that I've eaten over the past 3 weeks were of that caliber, I wouldn't be as disappointed in myself. I could maybe even justify it to myself. But Domino's pizza just isn't worth the weight gain. So, I'm banning greezy take out from my food rotation and we will be cooking at home more often. In fact, I'm going to say that for the month of December all meals cooked at home will be from Cooking Light magazine. The magazine that I have a subscription to and have used only to look at the pictures and say, "Wow, they have some really good recipes in here." Time to get them going. I can't expect progress if I don't even make an effort. Thankfully, Thanksgiving and it's tribute to gluttony is behind us and the pumpkin cheesecake that I made is gone. (I seriously thought that I was going to have to be physically restrained from eating it. Yes, it was that good.) I'm ready to move on and not feel so sluggish again.
I know that the little steps toward improvement all add up. But sometimes it's easier said than done and you would rather just not get out of bed and dressed in the morning. That's ok once in a while, we wouldn't be human if we didn't feel that way. But humans are also resilient and can overcome any obstacle. Especially a little stress and frustration. I may not be where I'd like to be financially, jobwise, or healthwise, but I'm still here. And who knows? I still may find my niche. Maybe a few years down the road I'll open a bar (with live music, of course), a book store, a tour guiding/trip planning business, or some such. There has to be something out there for me. For all of us. If not, there's always the lottery.